On+the+Mountain

ON THE MOUNTAIN //(Charlotte, the host of the game show, and Bob, the cameraman, is onstage. Charlotte is speaking into the camera Bob is holding and has a microphone)// Charlotte: Hello America and welcome back to your favorite TV show: //Survivor-ish//! I’m your host, Charlotte Smith, and we are half way through the most exciting season finale we’ve had in years! We join our last two contestants on this beautiful mountain, Mt. Fall and Die. Let’s have a talk with our competitors. //(Ian and Margaret walk onstage. Ian’s got a bad attitude and very shiny black hair. Margaret is a small, innocent looking little girl. Bob turns the camera towards them as Charlotte walks toward them)// Charlotte: So, contestants, I— Ian: Listen, lady. I think we’ve waited long enough. I want to know what the challenge is. Even ask Margaret here. She wants to know! Margaret: Actually, I don’t mind— Ian: Shut up, Margaret, no one asked you. Charlotte: Well, if you just waited Ian, I was going to tell you. The first one to the top of the mountain wins. And do you want to know what the prize is? Ian: What do you think? Charlotte: It’s a million dollars worth of //(She takes a over-dramatic pause)// something. You’ll have to find out when you get there. Ian: You’ve got to be kidding me! Bob: Charlotte? Remember the voting? Charlotte: Oh! Right! Margaret: What voting? Charlotte: The viewers at home are going to vote on which one of you will get a head start up the mountain. You are supposed to persuade the audience why you should be voted on. So, who’s going first? Ian: I will. //(Pushes Margaret out of the way and talks into the camera)// Hello viewers! I’m— Give me that. //(Yanks the microphone from Charlotte’s hand)// I’m Ian and you all know I deserve to win. Who has the best hair here? I do. Margaret over there only has that frizzy thing that looks like a poofed up raccoon on her head that she calls hair. I mean, what kind of shampoo does she use? Margaret: I use organic shampoo. It’s good for the environment. Ian: Oh please, what is my shampoo going to do to the environment? //(Sarcastic)// What, is it causing global heating? Margaret: It’s called global warming, moron. Ian: Uh, is this your interview? No. You’ll get your turn. //(Back to the camera)// Remember: vote for Ian! Charlotte: //(Yanks the microphone out of his hand)// And now it’s time for Margaret’s turn. //(Hands the microphone to Margaret)// Margaret: Hi people! I’m Margaret, as you know. I’m surprised I’ve made it this far and right I’m not going to try and persuade you to vote for me. I’m just going to remind you to save the animals. And the rainforests. And the ice caps. And the— Ian: They get your point, Margaret! Margaret: Okay, I’m done. Ian: //(Rushes in front of the camera)// Remember: I deserve to win! I was born pretty! The prize is mine! Bob: Get your face out of the camera! Charlotte: Ian, you’re ruining my TV show! //(Pushes him to the ground)// Ian: My hair! Charlotte: //(Takes the microphone from Margaret. To the camera)// So there it is. Vote for either Ian or Margaret! Your vote maybe the one that makes or breaks the game! And also— ow, ow, ow! You’re on my foot! Get off my foot! Bob: Oh my Gosh! I’m so sorry! Are you okay? Charlotte: //(Trying to contain herself)// Yes, I’m fine. Let’s just get back to— Bob: //(Pointing the camera at Charlotte’s feet. He is looking at them through the camera)// Really? They look a little squished. Charlotte: Bob! I’m up here! Bob: What? //(Swings the camera up. The camera hits Charlotte in the face and she flies backward)// Charlotte? Where you go? Charlotte: Down here, you idiot! Bob: Should I go to commercial? Charlotte: Go to commercial! Bob: Okay, okay. //(Fiddles with the camera, then puts it down on the ground)// Margaret: What’s going on, Charlotte? Charlotte: //(Gets up)// We’re waiting on the votes to come in. Margaret: Oh, great! So can I do like a little speech while we’re waiting. You know, like they audience? I want to make them aware that we are losing precious resources in the forests we are chopping down and I will spend the prize stopping those bad people from— Charlotte: Margaret! //(Her voice turns back to nice and soft)// Margaret, sweetie, I like you a lot more than Ian, but you are really starting to get on my nerves. And I don’t want to dropkick you off this mountain, okay? Margaret: … Okay. Charlotte: Bu-bye. //(Everyone exits)//

//(Bob and Charlotte come back onstage. Charlotte is carrying a bag)// Charlotte: Bob, it’s been two hours and the people at the TV station haven’t called back yet and nothing interesting has been going on with Ian and Margaret. What are we going to do? Bob: What //can// we do? Charlotte: We create our own entertainment. Here’s what we’re going to do. //(She holds up the bag she brought with her and opens it)// Here, put this on. //(She tosses the bag towards Bob)// Bob: //(Catches it and looks in it)// Is this a bear costume? Charlotte: Well, duh. Bob: Why do you have a random bear costume on a mountain? Charlotte: Do I ask you about your personal life? Bob: Yes. Charlotte: Shut up, Bob. When Ian and Margaret are here come out. I’ve set up the camera over there. //(She points)// Bob: //(Sighs)// Okay. //(Exits)// Charlotte: //(Calls out)// Ian! Margaret! I have something to tell you! //(Margaret and Ian enter)// Ian: Who won? Charlotte: Right down to business I see. Well actually… do you hear that? Margaret: Hear what? Charlotte: It… It sounded like a bear. //(Bob enters in a bear costume)// //(In bad acting)// Ah! A bear! Who ever will save us? //(She puts the back of one hand to her forehead and closes her eyes like a damsel in distress. When nothing happens, she peeks open one eye and shoves Ian forward)// Bob: //(Growls poorly)// Ian: //(Screams and then yanks the microphone from Charlotte’s hand and hits Bob on the head three times)// Charlotte: No! Stop! //(Takes off the mask)// It’s Bob! Margaret: //(Gasps)// Is that real animal fur? Bob: No, no, no, it’s— //(In slow-mo, Margaret punches Bob across the face. Bob falls to the ground)// Charlotte: //(Forgetting about Bob, presses her finger to her ear)// Yes… uh-huh… okay, all right… goodbye. //(Takes her finger off her ear and says to the other three)// Sorry, we’re going to have to postpone the challenge for a week. There’s an avalanche warning, sorry. Ian: You’ve got to be kidding me! //(Screaming)// I have to spend another week with you people!? Are you insane? I hate all of you //(His voice gets calm)// except you, Bob. You’re cool. //(Screaming again. Bob gets up)// Just give me my prize and let me leave! //(Rumbling noise. All the characters look one way)// Charlotte: Oh fudge-doodles. Margaret: Avalanche! Ian: Not my hair! Charlotte: My TV show is ruined! //(All the characters are swept off their feet by the pantomimed avalanche. Bob slowly gets up after a few seconds and goes and gets the camera)// Bob: And I got it all on camera. //(Laughs to himself)// I wonder what the prize was. //(Takes a phone out of Charlotte’s pocket. Presses buttons)// Ah, here it is. The prize is one million dollars worth of… pickles? The prize is pickles? What the heck? Ah crud, phone just died. //(Thinks for a moment and then turns to the audience)// How am I going to get out of here?

THE END **NOTE: This scene was thought of and performed by the following people:**

**Harrison Pyros— Ian** **Naira Demirchian— Charlotte** **Chelsy Cordon Rojas— Margaret** **David Ghariban— Bob**

**(I added some stuff into this script that we didn’t perform on stage)**