A+Bad+Horror+Movie


 * A Bad Horror Movie **

//(Kristin runs onstage in a panic.) //

**Kristin **. No! Please! //(She falls awkwardly to the ground, making a bad-looking fall.)// **Guy **. //(Awkwardly walking onstage. Unthreatening.)// I’m going to kill you. //(He has a thick Asian accent.)// **Kristin **. //(Pathetically crawling away.)// No, Mr. Killer! **Guy **: There nothing you can do. //(Raises weapon.)// **Kristin **: //(Screams poorly.)// I should have never gone camping in the woods! //(//**Guy** //brings the weapon down and// **Kristin** //“dies” with plenty of “oh, no’s” and “eek’s.” Stops acting.)// Okay, seriously? No. No way. //(She stands up.)// **George **. //(Off.)// Cut. //(Walks on.)// What is wrong now, Kristin? **Kristin **. How can you not see what’s wrong with it? **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">George **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. There’s nothing wrong with the movie or the set or anything. I edited it myself. **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Kristin **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. That’s the problem. **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">George **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. //(To// **Guy**//.)// Is there something wrong with my movie, Guy? **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Guy **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. //(He has lost his accent. Lying.)// No…No, of course not. **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">George **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. //(Narrows eyes.)// Are you lying? **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Guy **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. //(Antsy, surprised.)// Me—what? Psh! No… **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Kristin **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. Face it, George. This movie is terrible. It’s gonna bomb. It’s a stereo-typical horror movie. It was all right when I read the first draft, which was before you got your hands on it. And now //(She throws up her hands.)// its trash. **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">George **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. //(Defending.)// It’s not that bad. **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Kristin **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. I only took this job because I needed work. Same here with Guy. **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Guy **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. It’s true. **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Kristin **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. And you have done your best to try and mess this movie up, George. //(Imitating him.)// Yeah, let’s change the title to “I Should Have Never Gone Camping in the Woods.” Genius, right? And then we should have one of the characters scream it before she gets hacked. Perfect! **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Guy **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. //(Finally turning on// **George**//.)// And what’s with the killer? //(Imitating George.)// Let’s give him an Asian accent because that is really threatening. //(Stops imitating.)// And what’s with this plot-line? There is none! Random teenagers go camping and for some unknown reason, some psychopath comes out of some cabin decides to kill a bunch of them with this. //(Holds up a frying pan.)// A frying pan. Are you kidding me? Who is going to take this seriously? **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">George **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. Frying pans are incredibly scary. **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Kristin **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. Maybe when you’re five and your creepy uncle is making eggs. It’s such a stupid phobia! **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Guy **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. Are you afraid of bubble-wrap too? **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">George **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. Don’t you guys joke about frying pans. Or bubble-wrap for that matter. They’re way too much like packaging peanuts, and those are just… //(He shudders.)// **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Kristin **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. You’re kidding, right? We’ve got the one director who is afraid of more things than Scooby-Doo. **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Guy **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. //(Imitating the character Velva.)// Jenkies! **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Kristin **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. This is unbelievable. I never thought a director could be this bad. **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Guy **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. You should be used to bad directing, Kristin. You did star in the //Twilight Saga.// **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">George **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. Well, I don’t care what any of you say, I’m not changing a thing. I’m the director here and you both will listen to me and do your jobs. Got it? And if not, I can fire you both right now and not lose a wink of sleep over it. I can have your sorry butts replaced like that. //(He snaps his fingers.)// So if you don’t like it, then you can walk right out that door. //<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">(Pause.) // **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Kristin **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. When do we get paid? **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">George **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. End of the film. **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Kristin **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. //(Quick.)// Let’s go, Guy. //(She exits.)// **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Guy **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. Have fun with those “replacements.” //(He thrust the frying pan at// **George**//.// **George** //flinches and jumps back.// **Guy** //laughs and drops the pan on the ground and exits after// **Kristin**//.)// **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">George **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">. Fine. I don’t need you two. I can do this myself. //(To himself.)// Okay, George. Guess you have to make this a one man scene. //(Takes a breath. Acts// **Kristin** //with a fake high-pitched voice.)// Ah! Don’t kill me threatening sounding killer! //(Turns into// **Guy**//.)// There’s nothing you can do. //(Back to// **Kristin**//.)// I should have never gone camping in the—aw, forget it. //(Calling.)// Kristin! Guy! Wait. Come back! **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Kristin **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">—Kelly Kaufman **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">Guy **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">—Gene Mo Koo **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">George **<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18.66px;">—Harrison Pyros