Ice+Cream+Rant

Ice Cream Rant By Harrison Pyros **IZZY.** There’s a big new store coming to town called Tooti Fruiti. Why would you name an ice cream store Tooti Fruiti? That’s just stupid. And it’s like the same name as Jim Bob Joe’s shop: Fruiti Tooti. In my opinion, the owners of both stores are both idiots when it comes to names. But the worst thing about both of them is they both sell ice cream. What is ice cream good for? Nothing. Nothing at all. And yet, my daughter Mimi is absolutely in love with the stuff. It’s costing me way too much money for her to eat that poo they call ice cream. And then it rots her teeth and I gotta take her to that dentist Dr. Beck, and let me tell ya’, he ain’t cheep. And that sugary junk will get you super fat, and I don’t want my Mimi not being able to fit through a door like my cousin Jeanie. ’Cause then I havta take her to that doctor, Dr. Jasmine, and that lady is crazy. Crazy and expensive. This stupid store that is going to open in two weeks is all people are talking about now. It’s what my friend Beth is //only// talkin’ about. //(Imitates Beth.)// This store is going to drive Jim Bob Joe out of business. Where I going to be then? That store is all my husband and me have. Blah, blah, blah. Whine, whine, whine. //(Stops imitating.)// She seriously needs to shut up. I mean, I just keep her around ’cause she gets all the juiciest gossip, but she’s always trash-talkin’ people behind their backs. Ugh. I hate when people do that. I can’t stand those people. And then there’s my neighbor: Chubbs Newman. What is this new shop going to do to him? He already looks like a beached whale. He is literally twice the size of my cousin Jeanie, and Jeanie’s the reason we invented double doors. With these new low prices, he’s gonna eat and eat that nasty conveyer beat blobby stuff until he turns into the blue berry from //Charlie and the Chocolate Factory//. That’s where he’s headed. And my turnips have been disappearin’ from my garden. Stupid animals keep eatin’ them. Just think of what will happen if those animals get into the waste from the new ice cream shop, with all that “sweet” ice cream and super sugary toppin’s. Three words: Shoo. Ger. Rush. Those animals are going to be so hopped up on that sugar they’re just going to destroy my garden completely! //(Something dawns on her.)// They might even eat Mimi! And have you seen the daughter and niece of the guy who runs the new store? Mimi tells me the daughter, Judy-What’s-Her-Face, is in her class. Now Mimi said that Judy is all rebellious and out-spoken and always speakin’ her mind. Just like a little rich kid. At school, they want you to shut up and take the stupid notes. But apparently, she can’t get that through her million dollar head. And then there’s the niece. //(Izzy’s voice gets really annoying here.)// I’ve never heard a more annoying, weird voice in my entire life. It’s like you can’t even determine where she’s from. And her name: Missy. Who names their kid Missy? I at least gave my daughter a normal name: Mimi. All they sell is just over-priced, machine made, artificial, nasty, food-colored sour cream. I guarantee it. //(Calls to offstage.)// Mimi! Mimi! Get in the car! We’re goin’ to the Vegetable House. //(Says the end part as she walks offstage.)// Don’t you argue with me young lady. You get—Listen to me. I know where you live!

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